The Sickos Synopsis Week 8 - Featuring LIU/Wagner, Arizona State/Stanford, Texas/Oklahoma State, Weber State/Montana State, Akron/Kent State and UCLA/Oregon

Here at the Sickos Committee, we really love the Old-Timey newspaper headlines from college football games from the 1920s and earlier. We wanted to do a weekly recap of some randomly decided Sickos games in this Old-Timey style of writing for the fun of it. Just try to imagine an old school news reporter reading this aloud to you on an old transistor radio. Here are the headlines for Week 8.

Oct. 21st - Staten Island, NY

The Long Island Sharks drove across Long Island and crossed the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge to face their conference rivals the Wagner Seahawks in a Staten Island Showdown. Woeful Wagner hadn’t won a game in their last twenty-six games. However, their last win was against their cross town rivals LIU. The game started with a bang as both teams bungled their opening possessions fumbling the football to each other. The leg of the Long Island kicker was inaccurate, missing two field goals on their following possessions. The two teams traded touchdowns and then again they traded turnovers, Wagner taking their turnover back for a timely pick six. Then the teams traded field goals leading to a 24-16 lead for the Seahawks. Wagner was buoyed by a boisterous crowd consisting of crazy screams from a delightful dame we dubbed the Staten Island Screamer. Wagner capitalized on more Shark slip ups and converted another interception into another wonderful Wagner pick six accompanied by scintillating serendipitous screams from the Staten Island Screamer. The Seahawks lead crept out to 37-19 and they could all but taste victory for the first time since 2019. The Sharks sliced the lead down to 37-26 but Wagner would not be denied on this night. The Seahawks celebrated their first win in many moons and doused their delighted head coach with glorious Gatorade as they carried the coach off the field. Finally, Wagner and their fans found good fortune on this Friday Night.

Wagner 37 - LIU 26.

Oct. 22nd - Palo Alto, CA. 

The Sun Devils sauntered to sunny Palo Alto for a Pac-12 proving ground against their conference foes the Stanford Cardinal. The Cardinal kicker Joshua Karty converted a 44 yard field goal giving Stanford a slim lead 3-0 to open the scoring. The Sun Devils sliced and slashed through the Stanford defense scoring a six pointer and sent the ball through the uprights for a 7-3 lead. Stanford slowly shuffled their way for another Karty converted kick cutting the deficit down to 7-6. The Sun Devils tossed a tantalizing touch pass with pinpoint precision for a touchdown stretching the Arizona State lead to 14-6. The two teams then traded interceptions before halftime. After the half, the Stanford strength started to show. They slowly shifted, stepped and slumped down the field finding field goal after field goal carefully carving into the Arizona State lead. Stanford converted three Karty kicks of 44, 36 and 47 yards and finally found themselves forward on the scoreboard 15-14. The Stanford defense strangled the Sun Devils in the second half and summoned the strength for one final stop, smothering the Sun Devils for good and helping a happy homecoming for Stanford.

Stanford 15 - Arizona State 14.

Oct. 22nd - Stillwater, OK

Very few teams that Cris-cross the Republic get to face a foe wearing the same shade as them. Today is one of those few cases. The Oklahoma State Cowboys came into this week’s game licking their wounds after facing a Horned Frog Menace that is scourging the Big XII. Across the neutral zone stands the University of Texas, At Austin, The Longhorns. A proud program searching for wins wanting wanton waylayed whimsy as they do it. Coming in hot in this game it appeared that the Longhorns could not miss on anything they tried. After an Oklahoma State field goal, the Longhorns riding their powerful precocious pummeling halfback Bijan Robinson into the endzone the game began in earnest as the points permeated the plains in T. Boone Pickens Stadium. By the time the first half was over the Texans possessed a 31-24 advantage over the hometown Cowpokes. Into the second half the Longhorns extended that lead with a field goal, but the ‘Pokes would not be denied tacking on a field goal of their own and following up that score with a beautiful pass from Spencer Sanders, dropping deliciously decadently into the digits of Brennan Presley, tying the game up at 34 a piece. The next three drives ended with punts but the Cowpokes seeking satisfactions surreptitiously successfully sauntered downfield with and capped off a great drive with a 41-yard pass to Bryson Green, giving the Ag School the lead. Seeking one final gasp for the game the Longhorns march into OK State territory where they threw an untimely interception, leading to the demise of any chance for a comeback. 

Oklahoma State 41 – Texas 34

Oct. 22nd - Bozeman, MT

An FCS battle between two Top 5 ranked Big Sky giants was set to take place in Bozeman, Montana. The Weber State Wildcats went up to meet their conference foe Montana State in a record setting battle. A cold and rainy day greeted the Wildcats and the slippery football surely played a factor in what was about to happen. Weber State took an early lead 3-0 but then on their next possession, the long snapper launched a snap over the punter's head for a safety. Montana State took advantage of the fortuitous field position and scored on the next possession to take a 9-3 lead. On the ensuing kick, the Wildcat’ returner walked right through the Bobcats special teams to a 100 yard kick return. Unable to move the ball on their next possession, the Bobcats had to punt. The Weber State returner sliced, slashed and bounced off Bobcats would-be tacklers and took the punt back for a 91 yard return putting the Wildcats back up top 17-9. Weber State extended their lead to 24-9 with another touchdown. But then the Bobcats defense bowed up to force another Weber State punt. The Wildcat long snapper sent another sailing snap over the head of the perplexed punter for a second safety. The Bobcats then scored another touchdown thanks to the friendly field position to cut the lead down to 24-18. Montana State muscled up again defensively and forced another Weber State punt. The languished long snapper slung another snap over the puzzled punter’s head for a third safety in the first half. Again, Montana State scored a touchdown after the safety and headed into the locker room up 27-24. After halftime, Weber State was forced to punt again. The long snapper steadied himself but flung the oblong shaped ball too far yet again, causing the punter to kick the ball out the endzone for a fourth safety, an FCS record. The now bouncing crowd in Bozeman gave the Bobcats all the energy they needed and they leapt out to a seemingly insurmountable 43-24 lead. The wily Wildcats summoned strength and slowly found a way back into the game. The Wildcats converted two timely touchdowns and their defense denied any more Bobcat points. The score was tightened to 43-38 and the Wildcats had one last drive to valiantly wrestle victory back to their side. The Wildcats converted two fourth downs and made their way down to the Montana State 27 yard line, where they faced another fourth down. The Wildcat receiver broke open and the QB propelled the pigskin powerfully into the hands of the receiver, but the slick sphere slipped through his hands falling agonizingly to the turf. The Bobcats sideline celebrated as they survived a scare from the wily Wildcats.

Montana State 43 - Weber State 38.

Oct. 22nd - Kent, OH

The Akron Zips made the tiny ten mile trek to face their rivals the Kent State Golden Flashes. The Mid-American Conference foes found themselves tangled in a tussle for the Wagon Wheel trophy. Akron zipped out to an early lead after an awesome airborne assault of an 80 yard touchdown pass. The Zips tacked on a field goal for a 10-0 lead. The Kent State comeback began with a superb speedy 58 yard touchdown run. The teams then traded touchdown after touchdown with the Flashes finishing the first half with a 21-17 lead. The Flashes offense, still on fire from the first half, took their first possession of the second half in for a touchdown after an Akron interception. Kent State added a field goal to extend their advantage on Akron, 30-17. Then the Zips zapped the Golden Flashes’ defense for a touchdown to tighten the contest to 30-24. The Flashes found a fortunate field goal to take a two possession lead late in the game. Akron acted, addled and activated a late charge to find a field goal to trim the lead down to 33-27. Akron’s final act of desperation was an onside kick attempt that the Flashes found and fell on the football finishing off their foe. The fleet of foot Flashes’ team took off onto the field and flew to find the wondrous Wagon Wheel to raise in all of its glory. 

Kent State 33 - Akron 27.   

Oct. 22nd - Eugene, OR.

The UCLA Bruins and the Oregon Ducks have been careening carnivorously on a collision course since the season began. The Bruins come into the contest with an unblemished, unbelievable, unimpeachable undefeated record, with the immaculately dressed Ducks looking to change that in an afternoon of fresh air and exercise in the great sport of football. Wearing bright pink numbers for Breast Cancer Awareness month the Aquatic Quacks quickly quenched their quest for points with a FG after their first drive. The Hollywood beard promptly responded with a FG of their own tying the game at 3 a piece. Immediately after that both began their air campaigns as Bo Nix, the transfer from the Plains, put a perfectly placed pass into the hands of Terrance Ferguson. Not to be outdone Dorian Thompson-Robinson, dubbed DTR, responded with a beautiful wheel route that went the distance dashing past the Oregon defense directly to paydirt to not the game at 10. From there the Men from Eugene began a relentlessly assault on the Hollywood Bears 5 of their next drives ended up crossing the goal line. The Bruins batted back but ended this game where it began with fewer points than the Webfoots. 

Oregon 45 – UCLA 30