Here at the Sickos Committee, we really love the Old-Timey newspaper headlines from college football games from the 1920s and earlier. We wanted to do a weekly recap of some randomly decided games in this Old-Timey style of writing for the fun of it. Just try to imagine an old-school news reporter reading this aloud to you on an old transistor radio. Also, we go really heavy on the alliteration.

How do we decide which games we do? Well, if you are declared the Sickos Committee Game of the Week, you get one automatically no matter what happens. However, the others are randomly decided by the committee writing staff; it could be the normal headliner game of the week or some random FCS game we got drawn in by and just wanted to write about because we found it compelling. We typically do about three to six games a week.

September 19th, 2026 - London, UK

The Arizonans from Tempe and Kansans from Lawrence popped over the pond to play a game of American footy in the inaugural Union Jack bash. Both teams were chuffed to bits to get a win as they'd had a right old pasting the week before. Blimey, they nicknamed this game the Union Jack Classic and the trophy was a giant Willy Wonka football, mate. Dillingham's Devils danced down the field and found a field goal for the first points in FBS college football's history in the UK. A couple of blunders, cock-ups, and dodgy decisions found the UK crowd not amused, but they began building their very own cup snake in the stand. Finally, lightning struck in the form of a Jayhawk punt return for 72 yards dancing down the sidelines for the first touchdown in London town. Kansas looked to close out the half with a 7-3 lead but a poorly placed 17 yard punt put the Sun Devils in prime scoring position right before the half. The Sun Devils struck with a 25 yard touchdown pass and it was tea time in the end zone for the forks from Tempe. Kansas kicked off the second half and the Sun Devils dashed straight through the defenders for a 100 yard touchdown return taking command of the contest 17-7. Dillingham’s Devils were not done as they forced a fumble from the Jayhawks, The Husky lad hailed as Hyrum Vaeono and matriculated the moleskin by rumbling bumbling stumbling nearly all the way for a 70 plus yard Thicc six. The Jayhawkers joy division drifted apart but they were down but not out down 24-7. The kids from Kansas crept back into the contest with a 38 yard touchdown pass, then tacking on a field goal with only four minutes left in the fourth. The Devils would not be denied and they drained out the remaining sand from the hourglass and took the chocolatey trophy back to Tempe. It t’was truly a Union Jack Classic to remember in dear old Wembley.

September 19, 2026 - Clemson, SC

In 1897 Clemson University, then “College”, lined up against the University of North Carolina Varsity football team for the very first time. The game was a lopsided affair that tripped and traipsed their way across two halves. The second half was shortened due to the Clemson Tigers needing to catch a train. The teams have shared a conference since the inception of the Atlantic Coastal Conference (ACC) and now play with regularity. The game played this season was one of collisions and defensive struggle. The teams combined for eight total punts, testing the limits of the fielding and special teams. Much like the first meeting where timing and interruptions were the name of the game, this game was initially delayed by lighting and for good measure a second delay was called because the weather refused to cooperate. Between the delays the teams sprinted up and back, with UNC getting out to a lead in the first half of 17-6. During this clash the Tigers fumbled it away, but the Tar Heels couldn’t capitalize, as the kicker missed the field goal try. After the half and extended delay for weather the teams resumed their cantankerous confrontation trading turnovers (a Clemson interception and UNC fumble) before the home team closed the gap and ultimately took a one-point lead. Hurriedly, the Tar Heels tried to get control but were stopped on downs and then allowed a long touchdown run which put the game away for good. The Carolina Blue visitors watched their hopes get dashed on throwing an interception to end the game.

September 18, 2026 - Lubbock, TX

Rivalries come in all shapes and sizes in college football. Teams try ferociously to foster wins and war against locals and visitors alike from all over the Republic. That is true for the Texas Tech University Red Raiders and the University of Houston Cougars. In a game that was described as a “fumble circus” back 1951 has now crossed over several conferences and has now returned to these Lone Star State teams. The Cougars raced out to a 10-0 lead on a field goal and an interception they cashed in for points. But the Red Raiders would refuse to be embarrassed on their home turf and had two touchdown strikes of their own to take a short-lived lead that Texas Tech surrendered just before the half, with Houston drilling a field goal before the end of the half. Play resumed with more fireworks, the teams continued throwing blow after blow, another Texas Tech touchdown was followed by a Houston field goal. Subsequently, the Red Raiders were stopped on downs, but nothing came of it. The final scoring from both teams were touchdowns, Texas Tech scoring first. The last score was then followed by a two-point try from the Cougars that was stuffed short by a tiny tip toe and the Red Raiders rejoiced.

September 19, 2026 - Norfolk, VA

The Battle of the Bay Classic has pitted Hampton University’s Pirates against the Spartans of Norfolk State for nearly a century. The teams have battled it out for supremacy on the Hampton Roads waterways. These HBCUs bring pride and rivalry that reverberates and penetrates all levels of the HBCU world. To start the game, the Pirates drove the length of the field and seized a lead they would hold tight. The Spartans responded with a field goal and watched as their cross the Chesapeake Bay rivals would punt the ball away. On the next possession the Norfolk State Eleven would take their first lead. It would be short-lived as the Seasiders would crash the waves and get another touchdown. From that moment on, the Spartans would sharpen their spears and tighten their Phalanx as they would score the next 12 points of the half unanswered with a dizzying, dazzling, and dashing punt return for a touchdown! At the half, the Hampton University "Marching Force" marching band would take the field and prove true to their name and send sounds with the force of thousands. But the home team band, the MIGHTY Norfolk State Spartan "Legion" Marching Band, would take the field to credit the warriors of old for whom they are named, sending tunes to the troposphere! After the halftime break was over, the teams resumed, and it was more of the same; the Men from Norfolk drilled three more field goals and scored a touchdown before lightning would strike twice as the Spartans returned a second punt for a touchdown! The Hampton team would get a final touchdown and throw an interception on their final offensive possession, the win going to the Spartan football team. 

September 19th, 2026 - Pasadena, California

The UCLA Bruins burst into their Big Ten opener with breathtaking bravado, striking first when Nico Iamaleava found Semaj Morgan for a 20-yard touchdown toss. Purdue punched right back, though, as Ryan Browne bombed a beautiful, blistering 75-yard strike to Xavier Townsend on the very next play from scrimmage, knotting things at 7-7. But the UCLA offense refused to relent. Iamaleava immediately reignited the assault, connecting with Morgan again for a 27-yard touchdown before the burly Bruin blockers forced a fumble, setting up a simple 7-play drive concluding with Wayne Knight crashing into the endzone and capping the quarter with 21-7 point lead for the Californians. Purdue picked themselves up off the pitch and pursued down the pasture twice to tie the game 21-21 when Mateen Bhaghani threaded a 34-yard field goal through the uprights and gave UCLA a slim, satisfying 24-21 cushion leading into halftime.

Purdue’s persistence paid off promptly after the break. Browne bounced back beautifully, finding tight end George Burhenn for a 30-yard touchdown that flipped the field and propelled Purdue in front 28-24. UCLA’s offense answered almost as abruptly. Flying down the field in a 5-play, 75-yard drive restored the Bruins’ razor-thin lead at 31-28. The Bruins’ bruising backfield continued to beleaguer the Boilermakers, with Wayne Knight and Jaivian Thomas both breaching the goal line barrier and finding 45 points on the scoreboard while Purdue punched in a few scores for themselves to remain at a 38-45 deficit with 12:38 remaining in the match. Wayne Knight wasn’t finished wreaking havoc. The running back ran roughshod downrange for two plays of 47 and 21 yards to set up a sweet 6-yard throw from Iamaleava to Landon Ellis, sealing the score at 52-38. Cornerback Rodrick Pleasant delivered the decisive dagger moments later, picking off a floating Purdue pass to snuff out any hopes of a furious finish. Bob Chesney’s remarkable regular-season win streak extended to 13 consecutive games dating back to his final season with James Madison, while the bruised and beaten Boiler Makers dropped their second straight contest despite Browne’s prolific passing performance.

Thanks for reading, I normally read the Sickos Committee game of the Week in my Sick O’Malley old timey voice on our weekly recap pod but now I am reading all of these on our patreon. Join for just $3 per month, cheaper than a gallon of gas. Also, $5 per month and up and you can join the discord to chat with the Committee.

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