The Sickos Synopsis - Our Weekly early 1900s style Old-Timey Recap for Week Zero - Featuring UMass/NMSU, La Tech/FIU, Jackson St/SC State, Vandy/Hawaii & Jax State/UTEP.

Here at the Sickos Committee, we really love the Old-Timey newspaper headlines from college football games from the 1920s and earlier. We wanted to do a weekly recap of some randomly decided games in this Old-Timey style of writing for the fun of it. Just try to imagine an old school news reporter reading this aloud to you on an old transistor radio. 

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Here are the headlines for Week Zero. 

August 26th - Las Cruces, NM

The University of Massachusetts Minutemen meandered all the way from Amherst down to Las Cruces to take on the New Mexico State Aggies. Coach Don Brown’s boys were ready and had revenge on their mind to avenge a 23-13 loss from the season past. Coach Jerry Kill’s Aggies arrived at the stadium in style sporting perfectly placed ponchos on all of the players as they paraded into the playing surface. A back and forth battle ensued in the first half as each team struggled to find any concoction of consistent offense with both teams heading to the half tangled in a 10-10 tie. In the third quarter, the Minutemen made a field goal to detach from the deadlock. The Aggies attempted to answer but their field goal flew wide. The Minutemen maximized the momentum from the miss and marched down the field in three plays to take a ten point lead 20-10 early in the 4th Quarter. New Mexico State’s QB Diego Pavia pitched the pigskin 42 yards down the field finding pay-dirt to minimize the Minutemen’s margin to 20-17. The Minutemen marched down the manicured meadow of Memorial stadium slicing and dicing through the awestruck Aggie defense for a 10 play 75 yard drive stretching their supremacy back to 10 precious points. On the very next drive Pavia’s pass was plucked from midair and UMass defensive back Isiah Rutherford dashed down the sideline all but squelching the Aggies’ aspirations at victory. The two teams traded touchdowns but the merry Minutemen matched their minuscule win total from 2022 with a convincing and captivating win for the fighting flagship of Massachusetts. 

UMass 41 - New Mexico State 30

August 26th - Ruston, LA

Florida International found their way from Miami to take on a C-USA rival Louisiana Tech in rowdy Ruston, Louisiana. On the very first drive the Panthers pounced on the dawdling defense and skedaddled sixty-seven yards for the opening score silencing the Bulldog backers on the third play of the game. The feisty felines bottled up the Bulldogs offense forcing an ill-timed inception. The Panthers then plodded, pushed and pounded the Tech tacklers into the end-zone for a fourteen point first quarter flourish. The languished legion of Louisiana Tech fans saw their Bulldogs bullied and bruised down 14-0. But the Bulldogs began to battle back. Both teams traded field goals. Then Louisiana Tech lightning struck as QB Hank Bachmeier found the streaking and slanting Smoke Harris who smoked the Panthers pass defenders for sixty four yards to slice the lead in half, 17-10. The Bulldogs booted a field goal before half to trim the tussle to four, 17-13 at halftime. The 3rd Quarter saw the end-zone go into hibernation as FIU and Louisiana Tech couldn’t manage to muster any movement of the moleskin. The Bulldogs blasted a field goal from forty-six yards to find themselves only down one early in the 4th Quarter. The Panthers passing attack had an incredibly inefficient evening and only saw five completions for a total four yards. FIU’s offense was flummoxed and could only convert once for a first down in the entire second half. Nevertheless, the Panthers were primed to pluck a win in Ruston when a forty-three yard field goal flew wide left with 3:30 left in the game. FIU only needed to find a first down to finalize their fortunes but the Bulldogs brushed that notion away by stuffing a 3rd and 3. Bachmeier and the Bulldogs had one last chance to capture the contest. The Bulldogs briskly went down the field and fortunately found the end-zone on a timely thirty yard trot to take a 22-17 lead with 1:01 left in the game. The Panthers were put away for good when a pass was picked off and all of Ruston rejoiced! 

La Tech 22 - FIU 17  

August 26th - Atlanta, GA

Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs) have started their season in Atlanta in the MEAC/SWAC Kickoff Classics for nearly two decades. After a flamboyant, flashy, and fascinating two seasons coached by Coach Deion “Prime” Sanders, the (Thee) Jackson State University Tigers are now under the helm of Tiger legend T.C. Taylor, who holds records for receiving at JSU. This season they were seeking a revenge game against the Dean of HBCU football, Coach Oliver “Buddy” Pough. Currently the longest tenured coach for HBCUs Coach Pough has won every meaningful game possible for the SC State Bulldogs. In his farewell tour he returned to Atlanta to play the Tigers, in an excited kickoff to the season. However, the Tigers tormented, tarnished, terrorized, and tanked the Bulldogs' night in what was an all-around annihilation that was over not long after it started. Led by QB Jason Brown, who threw four touchdown passes the Tigers never let up on the gas and dominated from the opening kickoff to the final whistle. In a contest that JSU has been waiting for, they asserted themselves early and often, beating the SC State Men to the punch at every opportunity and defeating them soundly to begin their season. When the mauling was at recess, the two Universities’ marching bands took the field and stormed the ears of all those watching. The Marching 101, the band from South Carolina State dazzled the crowds with their full complement, showing the world that their band belongs on their radar. Following them, the Sonic Boom of the South hailing from Jackson, MS serenaded, saluted, and celebrated the late Tina Turner, putting on a show that no one will soon forget! After the start of the third half, the Tigers showed no mercy, and ended any doubt about their team, their proficiency, or their tenacity. Finishing the match with 37 points, with final scoring of the night coming from SC State, a touchdown with 22 seconds left on the clock.

Jackson State 37 - South Carolina State 7

August 26th - Nashville, TN

Among the oddities and peculiarities of college football are the Rainbow Warriors of the University of Hawai’i. This far-flung locale boasts a proud football tradition dating back over a century where the Rainbow Warriors whimsically wallop and whip those that venture to the islands. This season in 2023 their longest trip for an away game is to play the Vanderbilt Commodores in FirstBank Stadium. Traveling over 4000 miles the Rainbows ready their ravenous appetite for points in the Continental Forty-Eight. However, the Vaunted Vandy offense got on the board first with a spectacular twenty-one-yard touchdown run and immediately missed the two-point conversion. Not to be left behind the Rainbows responded rapidly running a resplendent drive that led to a short touchdown pass of their own taking their only lead of the game. What followed that play was a spectacular speedy special team’s jaunt and the Commodores scored on a 97-yard kickoff return and successful two-point conversion gave the home team a seven-point lead. Vandy scored again in the second frame to take a 14-point lead. But the Rainbow Warriors undeterred, unrelenting, and unwavering returned fire and closed out the scoring of the half with a beautiful Rainbow of a pass that led to a 45-yard touchdown getting them back within one score, 21-14 Vandy at the half. But the second half brought more firepower from the ‘Dores as they scored two quick touchdowns capping their score for the night at 35. A furious comeback ensued, as the Rainbow responded, recovered, replied, and reasserted themselves scoring a pair of touchdowns of their own and then got the ball back to their offense with a bit over two minutes left in the contest. But alas it was ended by a Vanderbilt interception, which ended the Rainbow Warriors comeback and sealing an opening game victory, for the vaunted Vandy Commodores.

Vanderbilt 35 - Hawai’i 28  

August 26th - Jacksonville, AL

The University of Texas-El Paso Miners moved eastward to meet their new conference foe in Jacksonville State, who just jumped from FCS to FBS. The Gamecocks General guiding them into battle was the well traveled Rich Rodriguez. The Gamecocks galloped out to a 10-0 lead and saw the Miners mired in the muck and nearly swallowed by the sweltering heat. However, the Miners mustered up some strength towards the end of the first half and maneuvered the moleskin 74 yards and muscled into the end-zone for a touchdown as the first half expired. Jax State jolted the Jacksonville crowd in the middle of the 3rd Quarter with a 44 yard jog down to the 7 yard line and finished off the three play drive tip-toeing into the endzone to take a ten point lead 17-7. UTEP was unraveling and nearly came undone but a Gamecock field goal attempt was missed. The Miners mounted a comeback meticulously moving the moleskin mounting movement into the Gamecock goal. Gavin Hardison hit a 32 yard touchdown to trim the Jax State lead 17-14. The Miners had the momentum and managed to get one final push deep into Gamecock territory. UTEP found their way to the Jax State 24 yard line with 1:21 left in the game looking at a manageable 3rd and 1 for the Miners. On third down the Miners decided to toss a pass towards the corner of the end zone which fell incomplete. Coach Dana Dimel was flummoxed by the 4th and 1 situation and decided to take their final timeout. Would Dimel rely on the freshman field goal kicker Flabiano to tie the tussle? Would Dimel decide to dive directly into the defensive line? No, Dimel decided to be daring and called a perplexing pass play. Hardison dropped back and his eyes darted from receiver to receiver finding no one open as the pocket began to collapse around him, he finally flung the ball to the flat in a final furious and faithful attempt to convert the fourth down. But Jeremiah Harris flew in front, finding his fingertips firmly around the football finishing the game for the Gamecocks with a game sealing interception. The joyous Jacksonville State fans were already, in a jovial mood, were sent into full on jubilation.

Jacksonville State 17 - UTEP 14