Oldest Player: DF Tim Ream, 38 (80 caps, 1 goal)

Youngest Player: DF Alex Freeman, 21 (15 caps, 2 goals)

Best Name on the Team: Several options, but we’re taking defender Maximilian (Max) Arfsten for sounding more like a noble of the Holy Roman Empire than a soccer player from Fresno.

Team Nickname: USMNT, The Stars and Stripes, The Yanks

Coach Name: Mauricio Pochettino (since 2024)

FIFA Rank: 16

Best World Cup Performance: Third Place, 1930, Quarterfinals, 2002

How did they qualify? Automatic qualifier as co-host

Best player? Midfielder Weston McKennie (in our opinion, these are all debatable)

The league where most of the team plays in: MLS (7 players)

Base Camp: Marriott Irvine Spectrum, Irvine, California

Closest chain restaurant to base camp: Wendy’s, 0.3 mi

National dish: apple pie, cheeseburger, hamburger, hot dog, fried chicken, Salisbury steak, turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy

One Sickos Thing: Defensive midfielder Tyler Adams is arguably the most important player on this team, but is also famously injury prone. Pochettino opted not to bring a true backup for him on the roster, so we may see some creative positioning and/or formations if Adams can’t play every match. Also, will Poch coach like a person who just put in his two week notice due to all the coaching rumors surrounding him and his looming contract expiration?

Oldest Player: GK Gatito Fernández, 38 (30 caps)

Youngest Player: DF Diego León, 19 (1 cap)

Best Name on the Team: Gatito Fernández, because a 38 year old man going by “little cat” deserves our appreciation

Team Nickname: Los Guaraníes (The Guaraníes), La Albirroja (The White and Red)

Coach Name: Gustavo Alfaro (since 2024)

FIFA Rank: 40

Best World Cup Performance: Quarterfinals, 2010

How did they qualify? Finished 6th in CONMEBOL qualifying, the final automatic qualifier from the confederation

The league where most of the team plays in: Argentine Primera División (a league that’s a frequent contributor to Commish’s Red Card Report)

Base Camp: Signia by Hilton San Jose, San Jose, California and the San Jose State Spartan Soccer Complex

Closest chain restaurant to base camp: Chipotle, 0.3 mi

National dish: Sopa paraguaya (baked dish similar to cornbread)

One Sickos Thing: Every single coach on their team is from Argentina except the two team doctors, who are actually from Paraguay.

Oldest Player: DF Aziz Behich, 35 (82 caps, 3 goals)

Youngest Player: DF Lucas Herrington, 18 (2 caps)

Best Name on the Team: DF Jacob Italiano

Team Nickname: Socceroos - a Kangaroo playing Soccer, what more could you want here?

Coach Name: Tony Popovic (since 2024)

FIFA Rank: 27

Best World Cup Performance: Round of 16, 2006 and 2022

How did they qualify? Finished second in AFC Group C

The league where most of the team plays in: Australian A-League, 5 players

Base Camp: Claremont Hotel & Spa, Berkeley, California, USL-C’s Oakland Roots/Soul Training Facility

Closest chain restaurant to base camp: Jack in the Box, 1.4 mi

National dish: roast lamb, meat pie, Vegemite on toast

One Sickos Thing: Jacob Italiano was born in Perth, and is of Italian and Australian heritage, making him eligible to represent both nations. He chose Australia and it was a good choice, they actually made the World Cup.

Oldest Player: Mert Günok, 37 (37 caps)

Youngest Player: DF Yusuf Akçiçek, 20 (3 caps)

Best Name on the Team: Kaan Ayhan

Team Nickname: Ay-Yıldızlılar (The Crescent-Stars), Bizim Çocuklar (Our Boys)

Coach Name: Vincenzo Montella (since 2023)

FIFA Rank: 22

Best World Cup Performance: Third place, 2002

How did they qualify? Finished second in UEFA Group E, defeated Romania and Kosovo in playoff Path C

Best player: Midfielder and captain Hakan Çalhanoğlu

The league where most of the team plays in: Turkish Süper Lig

Base Camp: Courtyard Mesa at Wrigleyville West, Mesa, Arizona & Arizona Athletic Grounds - Hello Arizona Wildcats

Closest chain restaurant to base camp: Chick fil-A, 0.6 mi

National dish: doner kebab, dürüm (doner kebab wrap), kuru fasulye (stewed white bean and olive oil dish) with pilaf, baklava, simit (circular bread crusted with sesame seeds), kapuska (Turkish cabbage stew)

One Sickos Thing: The team’s hotel is called Wrigleyville West because it is located next to the Chicago Cub’s spring training facilities, making Turkey the official international soccer team of Chicago in our book.

Oldest Player: GK Manuel Neuer, 40 (124 caps)

Youngest Player: MF Lennart Karl, 18 (2 caps)

Best Name on the Team: DF Waldemar Anton

Team Nickname: Die Mannschaft (The Team)

Coach Name: Julian Nagelsmann (since 2023)

FIFA Rank: 10

Best World Cup Performance: Four-time Champions (1954, 1974, 1990, 2014)

How did they qualify? Winners of UEFA qualifying Group A (5-0-1)

Best player - Incredibly, goalkeeper Manuel Neuer is still playing some of his best soccer at 40 years old but Florian Wirtz and Joshua Kimmich are close.

The league where most of the team plays in: German Bundesliga (19 players)

Base Camp: Graylyn, Winston-Salem, North Carolina and Wake Forest University - The German Deacons???

Closest chain restaurant to base camp: Chik fil-A, 1.3 miles

National dish: schweinshaxe (roast ham hock), bratwurst, sauerbraten (heavily marinated roast meat), döner kebab, currywurst (sausage with curry ketchup), eisbein (corned ham hock) with sauerkraut (fermented cabbage)

One Sickos Thing: Germany has failed to make it out of the group stage in the last two World Cups, the only times they have failed to reach at least the quarterfinals of the tournament. Also, Manuel Neuer retired from the German National Team, but they called him back for one last job… much to the likely chagrin of the back up German keepers…

Oldest Player: GK Eloy Room, 37 (70 caps)

Youngest Player: MF Livano Comenencia, 22 (19 caps, 1 goal)

Best Name on the Team: Dutch-Caribbean fusion leads to a deep name pool, but we’ll give this one to midfielder Shurandy Sambo. Just wait to you see the coach’s name.

Team Nickname: The Blue Wave

Coach Name: Dick Advocaat (since 2024, but also a few weeks ago)

FIFA Rank: 82 - nearly the same age as their coach (78)

Best World Cup Performance: This is Curaçao’s first ever appearance at the World Cup. Their best performance in any international tournament was a quarterfinal appearance in the 2019 CONCACAF Gold Cup

How did they qualify? Winners of CONCACAF qualifying Group B (3-3-0)

Best player? Captain and midfielder Leandro Bacuna is Curaçao’s all-time leader in caps and the leading scorer for the World Cup squad

The league where most of the team plays in: Dutch Eredivisie (10 players)

Base Camp: Boca Raton Marriott at Boca Center, Boca Raton, Florida and Florida Atlantic University - We can call them The Curaçaowls!

Closest chain restaurant to base camp: Starbucks, 0.2 mi

National dish: Kashi yena (cheese stuffed with spiced meat and then steamed or baked)

One Sickos Thing: Leandro Bacuna’s younger brother Juninho also plays midfield on the team, and is only three goals behind his brother despite having 20 fewer caps.

Oldest Player: MF Jean Michaël Seri, 34 (65 caps, 4 goals)

Youngest Player: FW Yan Diomande, 19 (9 caps, 3 goals)

Best Name on the Team: Parfait Guiagon or Christ Inao Oulaï

Team Nickname: Les Éléphants

Coach Name: Emerse Faé (since 2024)

FIFA Rank: 34

Best World Cup Performance: Group stage (2006, 2010, 2014)

How did they qualify? Won Group F in CAF - 8 wins, 2 draws and 0 losses

Best player? Franck Kessié or maybe Nicolas Pépé - Tough call here, also young star Amad Diallo too

The league where most of the team plays in: 5 in the Turkish Süper Lig

Base Camp: Hotel Du Pont, Wilmington, Delaware and Philadelphia Union Stadium, Chester, Pennsylvania #DOOP

Closest chain restaurant to base camp: Brew HaHa! (locally sourced Delaware Coffee???) - Many non chain restaurants around though.

National dish: Attiéké. Also known as "Ivorian couscous," it is a fluffy, slightly tangy side dish made from fermented, grated cassava pulp.

One Sickos Thing: Yan Diomande moved to the US from Ivory Coast as a 15 year old teenager in 2022 and did not speak English. In 2023 he scored the winner for A.S. Frenzi to win the 2023 United Premier Soccer League Premier Division title. He was most recently with RB Leipzig in the Bundesliga and scored 12 goals and registered 9 assists. Back to Back Champions League winners PSG are interested in his services. He also said we eat unhealthy food in America, which he is correct.

Oldest Player: GK Hernán Galíndez, 39 (34 caps)

Youngest Player: MF Kendry Páez 19 (25 caps)

Best Name on the Team: Pervis Estupiñán

Team Nickname: La Tri (The Tri), La Tricolor (The Tricolours), La Seleccion(The Selection)

Coach Name: Sebastian Beccacece (since 2024)

FIFA Rank: 23

Best World Cup Performance: Round of 16 (2006)

How did they qualify? 2nd in CONMEBOL with 8 wins, 8 draws and 2 losses

Best player? Probably MF Moisés Caicedo of Chelsea, even though Piero Hincapié did let it all hang out for Arsenal. The headline is incredible in Spanish.

The league where most of the team plays in: Campeonato Brasileiro Série A - 5 Players

Base Camp: Le Méridien Columbus, The Joseph, Columbus, Ohio & Columbus Crew Performance Center, Columbus, Ohio

Closest chain restaurant to base camp: Goodfellas Pizzaeria

National dish: Encebollado - an onion-dressed fish stew

One Sickos Thing: They declined an invite to the first World Cup in 1930, then did not enter in 1934 & 1938, then withdrew in 1950, then didn’t enter in 1954 and 1958. Then they tried to get in for the first time in 1962 but didn’t qualify for their first ever World Cup until 2002. Maybe they should have just accepted the invite in 1930…

Oldest Player: MF Marten de Roon, 35 (42 caps)

Youngest Player: DF Jorrel Hato, 20 (7 caps)

Best Name on the Team: Teun Koopmeiners

Team Nickname: Oranje, Clockwork Orange, The Flying Dutchmen

Coach Name: Ronald Koeman (since 2023)

FIFA Rank: 7

Best World Cup Performance: Runners-up (1974, 1978, 2010)

How did they qualify? UEFA Group G - 6 wins 2 draws 0 losses.

Best player? Really tough call but CB Virgil van Dijk is the captain, so we will give him the nod.

The league where most of the team plays in: English Premier League - 13 Players

Base Camp: Cascade Hotel, Kansas City, a Tribute Portfolio Hotel, Kansas City, Missouri & Kansas City Current Training Facility

Closest chain restaurant to base camp: a three way tie at 0.2 miles - Fogo De Chao, PF Changs and Buca Di Beppo

National dish: Stamppot is a traditional, hearty Dutch comfort food made from mashed potatoes mixed with one or more vegetables like kale, sauerkraut, or carrots, and typically served with a smoked sausage (rookworst), bacon, or meatballs.

One Sickos Thing: German economist Joachim Klement predicted the Netherlands to win the 2026 World Cup, using a complex statistical model that correctly forecast the 2014, 2018, and 2022 champions. Will the German economist get it right to keep his streak alive? The Dutch have fallen short three times in finals before. Also, look out for the Dutch fan-walk around the World Cup, it’s a sea of orange moving through the streets. Cool to see. Have fun in the Houston heat though…

Oldest Player: DF Yūto Nagatomo, 39 (144 caps, 4 goals)

Youngest Player: FW Keisuke Gotō, 21 (3 caps, 0 goals)

Best Name on the Team: Tsuyoshi Watanabe

Team Nickname: Samurai Blue

Coach Name: Hajime Moriyasu (since 2018)

FIFA Rank: 18

Best World Cup Performance: Round of 16 (2002, 2010, 2018, 2022)

How did they qualify? Won AFC Group B - 6 wins - 0 Losses, first ones to qualify for this World Cup that were not hosts.

Best player? I asked my friend Nick, the Middlesbrough fan who lives in Japan, and he said Takefusa Kubo aka the “Japanese Messi”

The league where most of the team plays in: German Bundesliga - 6 Players

Base Camp: TBA, Nashville, Tennessee and Nashville SC Training Center

Closest chain restaurant to base camp: Based on the Nashville SC training center - 3-way tie for In-N-Out, Chik-Fil-A and CAVA

National dish: It’s unofficial but Japanese curry, either served over rice, udon noodles or curry bread.

One Sickos Thing: MY HERO ACADEMIA × Samurai Blue ⚽- New Official Collaboration Visual! MHA teams up with the National Japanese Soccer Team for the FIFA World Cup 2026 - That’s right this team gets their own Anime.

Oldest Player: GK Kristoffer Nordfeldt, 36 (20 caps)

Youngest Player: MF Lucas Bergvall, 20 (8 caps)

Best Name on the Team: Gustaf Lagerbielke

Team Nickname: Blågult (The Blue and Yellow)

Coach Name: Graham Potter (since 2025)

FIFA Rank: 38

Best World Cup Performance: Runners-up (1958)

How did they qualify? UEFA Playoff B Path - Beat Ukraine and Poland to Qualify - This will be explained more in their Sickos thing.

Best player? Let’s go with Viktor Gyökeres since he just won the Premier League with Arsenal.

The league where most of the team plays in: English Premier League - 8 players

Base Camp: The Westin Dallas Stonebriar Golf Resort & Spa, Frisco, Texas and FC Dallas Stadium, Frisco, Texas

Closest chain restaurant to base camp: III Forks - Prime Steakhouse - I know it’s not food but it is hilarious a Volvo dealership is within walking distance of the hotel.

National dish: They don’t have a national dish but the most renowned Swedish culinary tradition is the smörgåsbord. Also Swedish meatballs are good too.

One Sickos Thing: Sweden struggled in their primary qualifying group (Group B), losing four of their six matches against Switzerland, Kosovo, and Slovenia. However, owing to their performance in the UEFA Nations League, they were granted a second chance in the play-offs. So they finished 0 wins, 2 draws and 4 losses but since they did so well in another tournament, the UEFA Nations League, they got to stay alive in qualifying and then won both playoff games to get here. A very Sickos path to the World Cup.

Oldest Player: DF Ali Abdi, 32 (45 caps, 7 goals)

Youngest Player: Rayan Elloumi, 18 (2 caps)

Best Name on the Team: Mohamed Amine Ben Hamida (also the longest name)

Team Nickname: Eagles of Carthage

Coach Name: Sabri Lamouchi (since January 2026)

FIFA Rank: 44

Best World Cup Performance: Group stage (1978, 1998, 2002, 2006, 2018, 2022)

How did they qualify? CAF Group H Winners - 9 wins, 1 draw, 0 losses

Best player? Captain Ellyes Skhiri

The league where most of the team plays in: Tunisian Ligue Professionnelle 1 - 6 Players

Base Camp: InterContinental Presidente Monterrey, San Pedro Garza García, Nuevo León & Rayados Training Center

Closest chain restaurant to base camp: Hello Kitty Burgerland or Barbie Dream Lounge - I am not joking. It’s in the attached to the hotel mall.

National dish: Couscous, called kosksi, is the national dish of Tunisia, and can be prepared in many ways. It is cooked in a special kind of double boiler called a kiskas in Arabic or couscoussière in French.

One Sickos Thing: Tunisia is the second-largest consumer of pasta in the world, trailing only Italy. The average Tunisian devours about 17 kg (approximately 37 lbs) of pasta per capita annually. To be fair, they are almost touching Sicily in the Mediterranean.