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We’re less than three weeks away (I’m going to forget to change this in the middle of writing all of these and you will remind me) from the college football season starting. It’s a fun sentence to type, but this makes me realize we needed to do some conference previews. This year we’re a bit limited on time due to various circumstances, but we wanted to do something fun for FCS and FBS conference previews. In previous years we’ve given you many fun facts about long snappers, punters, and #69s. We’ve tried to predict what level a team would be on the Sickos Weather System scale for the entire year based on vibes. This year, I wanted to try something different.
So for the previews, we’re going to do something fun like we always do. We’re going to give you a random school football statistical record, the birthday of the football team, by using the first-ever game in program history and then going to give you the team’s horoscope based on that birth date, which we just made up.
Will these previews help you get ready for the season? Of course they will!
What’s better than learning random facts about teams and then pairing it with a horoscope based on a made-up birthday we just created? Actually breaking down stats and transfers, recruiting metrics, coaching skills, schemes, and schedules? What? That’s crazy. Who does that? 😉
WELCOME TO THE 2026-27 SICKOS FOOTBALL FORTUNES: THE STARS PREDICT YOUR SEASONS.
Ohio Valley
Charleston Southern
Birthdate: September 7th, 1991, 18-8 loss vs Methodist
Random School Football Record: Most pass attempts in a game - 55, Jake Sills, 2001 vs Liberty
Horoscope: You'll have to deal with past issues that are not a closed chapter for you. Because of this, you may feel unhappy or emotionally unstable. You may become a subject of intrigues and gossip. There may also be a desire to escape reality during this transit.
The Low Country Boil Bowl - September 12th, winner gets a trophy and an actual low country boil!
Eastern Illinois
Birthdate: 1899, loss vs Oakland (no exact date, game was played 45 days after the school was founded), I used October 21st a guestimation of 45 days after the start of the school year.
Random School Football Record: Most combined plays in a game - 210, 2012 vs Murray State
Horoscope: During this transit, you will feel the desire for adventure and novel experiences. You will not be too patient and persistent, and if unexpected problems arise, you may react with irritation. On the other hand, this transit may also bring unexpected experiences that will put a smile on your face.
Gardner-Webb
Birthdate: September 12th, 1970, 27-14 loss to Lenoir Rhyne
Random School Football Record: Last blocked punt returned for TD - 10/4/2003 vs Coastal Carolina, Jake Neal, 39 yards
Horoscope: Expect disruptions of your daily routine. If you do not like change, try to survive this transit in as much peace as possible. You will find it hard to receive orders and instructions from others. You will feel the need for independence, and you will feel somewhat rebellious.
The water tower makes it feel like a small town high school team and I just think that’s neat. (Photo by Gardner Webb University)
Lindenwood
Birthdate: September 8th, 1990, 21-14 win vs Dana College
Random School Football Record: Most fumble recoveries in a season - 4, Dan Carlisle, 2007
Horoscope: Prepare for minor changes to plans and routines. But this will not bother you much, because you will feel rather rebellious and you will long for change. Your loved ones may be fluctuating in their attitudes and moods.
Southeast Missouri State aka SEMO
Birthdate: November 19th, 1904, 11-0 win vs Jackson Military Academy
Random School Football Record: Longest punt return TD - 86 yards, Lyman Brown, 1962 vs Northwest Missouri
Horoscope: Feelings of pragmatism and sober thinking will prevail. Instead of having fun, you will prefer to keep to your routine and do your duties. You will have a great self-discipline that allows you to complete your tasks quickly and efficiently.
THE WAR FOR THE WHEEL - SEMO’s rivalry with Southern Illinois.
Tennessee State
Birthdate: October 27, 1923 vs Atlanta
Random School Football Record: Most yards in a game - 780, 11/5/1983 vs District of Columbia
Horoscope: Honest and diligent effort will bring you results. You will be more patient and willing to wait for the fruits of your labor. In your work you will be methodical and strategic, and you will not make even the slightest mistakes.
UT Martin
Birthdate: September 19, 1925 vs Union
Random School Football Record: Most scoop and scores in a season - 6, 2008 (FCS record)
Horoscope: During this transit you will search for mental stimuli and exciting experiences that disrupt your daily routine. You may take part in non-traditional meetings where you can meet new people or find controversial information. You will visit one place after another, and your days will be full of activities. This is good because during this transit you will not be happy if you have to stay in one place for a long time.
Western Illinois
Birthdate: 1902, date unknown vs Western Illinois Normal and Business Institute
Random School Football Record: Most rushing yards in a half - 282 yards, Herb Donaldson, 11/4/2006, 2nd half vs Indiana State (FCS record)
Horoscope: During this transit you will start putting more energy into your work. You will start thinking about your ambitions and try to find ways to achieve your goals. In any case, you are going to actively approach all the challenges ahead.
BRING BACK THE CORN BOWL WESTERN ILLINOIS!!!
SWAC
Alabama A&M
Birthdate: October 31, 1924 vs Alabama State
Random School Football Record: Homecoming record in the SWAC era (since 1999) 15-10
Horoscope: You will go deep into the past and examine how your experiences have affected you. If you work well with this transit, it is possible to experience a transformation that will push you mentally and help you close a thought cycle that no longer serves you. It is a good time to meditate and relax in solitude.
Alabama State
Birthdate: November 14, 1904 vs Tuskegee
Random School Football Record: Best single-season KR average - 34.7, Kenneth Bonom, 1987
Horoscope: During this transit you will start putting more energy into your work. You will start thinking about your ambitions and try to find ways to achieve your goals. You are going to actively approach all the challenges ahead.
Bethune-Cookman
Birthdate: October 23, 1925 vs Florida A&M
Random School Football Record: Most points scored in a game by a player - 32, Randy Walker, 1973 vs Savannah State
Horoscope: You will visit one place after another, and your days will be full of activities. This is good because during this transit you will not be happy if you have to stay in one place for a long time.
Florida A&M
Birthdate: December 7, 1908 vs Alabama State
Random School Football Record: Amount of shared conference titles - 7, last in 2010
Horoscope: You will be especially interested in your personal goals, expectations and aspirations. You will think about which things and attitudes do not serve you in the long term and you will try to replace them with new ideals and values.
One of my favorite bevels is FAMU.
Jackson State
Birthdate: December 12, 1912 vs Alabama State
Random School Football Record: Most pass attempts in a game - 53, Robert Kent, 2002 vs NC A&T
Horoscope: You will be realistic, and you will know what your responsibilities are. You will also be willing to sacrifice something and make a compromise to solve a work or a relationship problem. If you are now entering into a contract, it will be based on realistic grounds that will be beneficial to you.
THREE SWAC MEMBERS PLAYED ALABAMA STATE AS THEIR FIRST EVER GAME!!
Mississippi Valley State
Birthdate: September 18, 1954 vs Alcorn State
Random School Football Record: Longest fumble return TD - 90 yards, Eric Powell, 10/5/2019 vs VA-Lynchburg
Horoscope: You will feel stronger than usual, both mentally and physically. It is therefore a good opportunity to test your physical condition by doing some demanding sports. Strength exercises especially will bring you the desired results. It's also a good time to start a new diet or try an alternative way of eating.
Alcorn State
Birthdate: October 16, 1926 vs Leland
Random School Football Record: Fewest yards allowed in a game -155, 1968 vs Kentucky State (THAT’S RIGHT NEGATIVE 155 YARDS)
Horoscope: You will go deep into the past and examine how your experiences have affected you. If you work well with this transit, it is possible to experience a transformation that will push you mentally and help you close a thought cycle that no longer serves you. It is a good time to meditate and relax in solitude.
Arkansas - Pine Bluff
Birthdate: October 12, 1929 vs Bishop
Random School Football Record: Most TD catches in a game - 4, Anthony Morris, 1994 vs Western Montana
Horoscope: Let this month be a celebration of your presence in the world. Step forward—not with pressure, but with purpose.
Look, the SWAC has the best bevels. They just do.
Grambling State
Birthdate: October 27, 1933 vs Straight
Random School Football Record: SWAC Championship Game record: 8-2
Horoscope: It is now worthwhile to have courage. You will be more proactive, and you can achieve a lot. You are full of energy and self-esteem, so don't worry about even the biggest challenges. You may play a leading role in your work or personal life. This transit is good for physical activity, so it is good to get rid of your excessive energy doing some sport activity.
Prairie View A&M
Birthdate: October 17, 1924 vs Sour Lake College
Random School Football Record: Highest NFL Draft pick - 35th, Donnie Williams, 1970, LA Rams
Horoscope: During this transit, deep conversations with others, meeting with friends and short fun trips will give you a sense of fulfillment. You will especially have good relationships with siblings, neighbors and colleagues. All communication will be very pleasant, and you will enjoy it a lot. If there are any conflicts, you will easily resolve them by talking about the problem.
Southern
Birthdate: November 26, 1891 vs Olive Club
Random School Football Record: All-time bowl game record: 8-3
Horoscope: You will feel satisfied with your life. Any tension in relationships is likely to disappear and you will be able to focus on maintaining peace. You will also benefit from a walk in a place where you feel relaxed and comfortable. Communication with others, studying and developing new ideas will make you happy. This transit is good for negotiating, establishing new business contacts and executing transactions.
HIT THE MUSIC HUMAN JUKEBOX
Texas Southern
Birthdate: September 27, 1947 vs Southern
Random School Football Record: Most yards per carry in a season - 12.5, Edward Smith, 1952
Horoscope: Your relationships with others will be based on mutual exchange. This means that you will give and receive equally. You will feel comfortable with yourself, and this self-esteem will radiate outward. You will behave more spontaneously than usual. You will require more attention and try to reach your goals through making contacts with other people.
UAC
HALF THIS CONFERENCE IS PURPLE.
Abilene Christian (PURPLE)
Birthdate: October 18, 1919, W at Midland College 46-0
Random School Football Record: Most sacks in a game - 13, 9/17/1994 vs Adams State
Horoscope: During this time, you are more charming and attractive than usual. You are enjoying the attention of others. You are also being very generous. You can expect an invitation to a party or other social event.
Austin Peay
Birthdate: October 10, 1930, W vs Bell Independents 12-0
Random School Football Record: Most fumble return TDs in a season - 2, Kevis Buckley, 2007
Horoscope: You will be full of energy. Your self-expression will improve, and your confidence will increase. You may also be awarded for something.
Central Arkansas (PURPLE)
Birthdate: October 10, 1908, L vs Little Rock High School 0-22 (as Arkansas State Normal)
Random School Football Record: Highest career yards per punt - 42.23, Matt Spencer, 2014-15
Horoscope: Tendencies to emotional extremes and the "all or nothing" approach can greatly affect your mood. You may want to make changes in all areas of your life and break out of bad habits. You might get involved in a power struggle.
PURPLE AND GREY FIELD
Eastern Kentucky
Birthdate: November 25, 1891, L vs Centre 6-22 (as Central University) (Center vs Centre a battle for language)
Random School Football Record: Most pass attempts in a game - 71, Josh Greco, 2005 vs Eastern Illinois
Horoscope: Use your ability to think logically and clearly during this transit. If you are facing problems that require concentration and discipline, it is a good time to begin solving them. Although these activities may not be too much fun, solving them will pay off in the long run. Other people may see you as reserved and quiet because you are too concentrated on practical issues.
North Alabama (PURPLE)
Birthdate: October 12, 1912, L at Sewanee 0-101 (as State Normal School of Florence)
Random School Football Record: Best turnover ratio in a season - +29, 2008
Horoscope: Your mind is working at full speed. You will therefore tend to draw conclusions without knowing all the facts. Try to slow down and think carefully first. But it will be challenging for you now, because you will lack patience.
PURPLE
Tarleton State (PURPLE)
Birthdate: 1904 (records unavailable before 1915)
Random School Football Record: Most blocked kicks by a player in a season - 5, Steven Sikes, 1992
Horoscope: You will find it easy to express your emotions and you will intuitively understand other people's motivations and feelings. You will not be afraid to say what you want without being arrogant. If you receive any news during this transit, it will be positive. It is also a great time to perform in front of large number of people.
PURPLE
West Florida
Birthdate: September 3, 2016, W at Ave Maria 45-0
Random School Football Record: First tackle in school history - Leroy Taylor, 9/3/2016 vs Ave Maria (in my head I hear Aaron Neville singing Ave Maria)
Horoscope: It is now worthwhile to have courage. You will be more proactive, and you can achieve a lot. You are full of energy and self-esteem, so don't worry about even the biggest challenges. You may play a leading role in your work or personal life. This transit is good for physical activity, so it is good to get rid of your excessive energy doing some sport activity.
West Georgia
Birthdate: November 15, 1946, L vs Jacksonville State 0-33 (they apparently played 8 games this first season but this is the only game I can find a record of)
Random School Football Record: Fewest first downs allowed in a game - 2, 9/23/1995 vs Southern Arkansas
Horoscope: You will feel the desire for change and surprise. Positive and unexpected things may happen. You will seek new experiences and feel more spontaneous than usual. You will be bright and innovative, so try something new and experiment!
I hope you enjoyed them but understand if some of you didn’t like your horoscopes… I am sorry, I consulted the stars and you can chose to believe in the stars or not.
It was fun for me to see horoscopes but through the lens of football terms in my head.
Also, if you’re curious what sign your program is on the astrology calendar, they are likely one of these five:
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Libra: September 23 – October 22
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Hey we got a new NON ai ad! Please click the link and help us get a little kickback to keep the committee going and have me do more conferences!
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