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We’re less than one week away (I’m going to forget to change this in the middle of writing all of these and you will remind me) from the college football season starting. It’s a fun sentence to type, but this makes me realize we needed to do some conference previews. This year we’re a bit limited on time due to various circumstances, but we wanted to do something fun for FCS and FBS conference previews. In previous years we’ve given you many fun facts about long snappers, punters, and #69s. We’ve tried to predict what level a team would be on the Sickos Weather System scale for the entire year based on vibes. This year, I wanted to try something different.

So for the previews, we’re going to do something fun like we always do. We’re going to give you a random school football statistical record, the birthday of the football team, by using the first-ever game in program history and then going to give you the team’s horoscope based on that birth date, which we just made up.

Will these previews help you get ready for the season? Of course they will!

What’s better than learning random facts about teams and then pairing it with a horoscope based on a made-up birthday we just created? Actually breaking down stats and transfers, recruiting metrics, coaching skills, schemes, and schedules? What? That’s crazy. Who does that? 😉

WELCOME TO THE 2026-27 SICKOS FOOTBALL FORTUNES: THE STARS PREDICT YOUR SEASONS.

Big Ten

Illinois

  • Birthdate: October 2, 1890 at Illinois Wesleyan University in Bloomington, IL. 16-0 loss

  • Random School Football Record: Most Punt Return Yards in a Game, 125, Red Grange vs. Nebraska, 10/6/1923

  • Horoscope: This aspect is not very favorable for emotional stability. Beware of overreacting at home and at work. You will face problems with balance between personal life and your needs. (Don’t worry you have GIANT SCOREBOARD)

Indiana:

  • Birthdate: October 15, 1887 vs. Franklin College in Indianapolis, IN (Athletic Park). 10-8 loss

  • Random School Football Record: Most Tackles in a Single Season - 199 - Joe Norman 1978

  • Horoscope: You can feel insecure about your direction and sense of life. You may also misunderstand the intentions of others. Beware of embarrassing situations. Do not make important decisions. (Honestly Indiana fans, just enjoy the victory lap and whatever this season will be)

Iowa

  • Birthdate: November 16, 1889 at Iowa College (now Grinnell College) in Grinnell, IA (Grinnell Field). 24-0 loss (as the State University of Iowa)

  • Random School Football Record: Most Passing Yards in a Game, Chuck Hartlieb 44-60, 558 yards, 3 TDs vs Indiana 10/29/1988

  • Horoscope: Expect to be in a rush and unfocused. You will approach things with exaggerated optimism. Therefore, do not engage in any risky behavior. You can also become a subject of controversy and a minor scandal.

Maryland

  • Birthdate: October 15, 1892 at St. John’s College in Annapolis, MD. 50-0 loss (as Maryland Agricultural College) - MARYLAND WAS THE ORIGINAL MAC???

  • Random School Football Record: Most Interception Return Yards in a Game - Dick Lewis vs. NC State, 1956 111 yards

  • Horoscope: This time brings emotional stability, a sense of satisfaction and a good mood. Your intuition will be great. You will be very popular, so it's a good time to make new acquaintances and friends. There will not be any problems related to financial and family matters.

I think I need some Maryland Flag overalls

Michigan

  • Birthdate: May 30, 1879 vs. Racine College in Chicago, IL (Lake-Shore Park). 1-0 win

  • Random School Football Record: Most Interceptions Thrown in a Game - 7 - Demetrius Brown - vs Michigan State on 10/10/87

  • Horoscope: Feelings of pragmatism and sober thinking will prevail. Instead of having fun, you will prefer to keep to your routine and do your duties. You will have a great self-discipline that allows you to complete your tasks quickly and efficiently. Asking for advice and support of older people will be beneficial to you.

Michigan State

  • Birthdate: September 26, 1896 vs. Lansing High School in Lansing, MI (Eltom Park). 10-0 win (as Michigan Agricultural College) (Wait Michigan State was the MAC too)

  • Random School Football Record: Most 300 Yard Passing Games in a Season - Jeff Smoker - 6 - 2003

  • Horoscope: You will be controlled by your passions. If you use them positively, you can achieve your goals and venture boldly into all challenges. The pitfalls of this transit are hidden in bad temper, impatience, and even aggressiveness. You will also tend to make hasty decisions. Relationships may be strained. It is advisable to discharge this excess energy in a gym or while doing some sports.

Minnesota

  • Birthdate: September 30, 1882 vs. Hamline University in Minneapolis, MN (King’s Fair Ground). 4-0 win

  • Random School Football Record: Most Fumbles Forced by the Team in a Single Game - 12 vs Indiana, 10/5/46

  • Horoscope: It is now worthwhile to have courage. You will be more proactive, and you can achieve a lot. You are full of energy and self-esteem, so don't worry about even the biggest challenges.

Instagram post

Nebraska

  • Birthdate: November 27, 1890 at Omaha YMCA in Omaha, NE (ballpark on North 20th Street). 10-0 win

  • Random School Football Record: Most Rushing Game Attempts: 38; Rex Burkhead, vs. Iowa, Nov. 25, 2011 (160 yards)

  • Horoscope: Watch out for extreme mood swings! There is also an increased likelihood of quarrels and disputes with your loved ones. You may have more difficulty expressing your emotions.

Northwestern

  • Birthdate: November 11, 1882 vs. Lake Forest College in Evanston, IL. 1-0 loss

  • Random School Football Record: Longest Punt in School History - Paul Burton vs Indiana, 1995 & Steve Toth vs Wisconsin, 1934 - 90 yards

  • Horoscope: Although you know what you want and you can say it, there are obstacles that make it impossible for you to succeed. You will be slightly upset and distracted. Try not to get upset too much by these things and look forward to the future.

    Offensive Coordinator Chip Kelly in a Hard Hat

Ohio State

  • Birthdate: May 3, 1890 at Ohio Wesleyan University in Delaware, OH. 20-14 win

  • Random School Football Record: Most Receiving Yards by a Tight End - Season 641 John Frank - 1983

  • Horoscope: You will feel the desire for adventure and for discharging your excessive energy. Beware of hasty behavior and communicating harshly with others. You will profess the motto "risk is profit". You will not lack courage, but make sure that you stay rational when you make decisions.

Oregon

  • Birthdate: November 3, 1894 at Oregon Agricultural College (now Oregon State University) in Corvallis, OR. 18-0 loss

  • Random School Football Record: Most TD Receptions in a Game 4 Keenan Howry vs. Arizona State, 11/3/2001

  • Horoscope: This time will make you unbeatable at work. You will work with a lot of enthusiasm and so much energy that you will not mind staying overtime to complete what is needed. You will look at things with a clear mind and you will not miss any detail.

Penn State

  • Birthdate: November 12, 1881 at the University at Lewisburg (now Bucknell University) in Lewisburg, PA. 9-0 win (as Pennsylvania State College):

  • Random School Football Record: Most INTs thrown in a Career - 41 Todd Blackledge 1980-82

  • Horoscope: You will tend to exaggerate and be too idealistic. You may miss an important detail in your life or at work. Try not to be overly optimistic now - be realistic and keep your feet on the ground.

Purdue

  • Birthdate: October 29, 1887 at Butler University in Indianapolis, IN (Athletic Park). 48-6 loss

  • Random School Football Record: Most Turnovers By A Winning Team 11 vs. Illinois, 10/2/1943 - (9 fumbles, 2 interceptions; won 40-21)

  • Horoscope: You will be attracted to something new, unusual and untested in relationships. Routine and stability will not interest you now. You will want new experiences and change. You will attract other people by your uniqueness and unconventionality and will not fear to take risks.

Rutgers

  • Birthdate: November 6, 1869 vs. Princeton University in New Brunswick, NJ (College Field). 6-4 win (as Rutgers College)

  • Random School Football Record: Most Total Offense Single Game - Mike Teel vs. Louisville (12/4/2008) 447 yards

  • Horoscope: During this time, you are more charming and attractive than usual. You are enjoying the attention of others. You are also being very generous. You are dealing with financial matters effectively and thriving in your love life. You can expect an invitation to a party or other social event.

UCLA

  • Birthdate: October 3, 1919 vs. Manual Arts High School in Los Angeles, CA (Wilson Field). 74-0 loss (as the Southern Branch of the University of California):

  • Random School Football Record: Most Tackles for a Loss in a Season - Robert Thomas - 26 - 2001 (It is not the Rob Thomas from the hit song Smooth with Santana)

  • Horoscope: You may experience unexpected events that you are not prepared for. You don't want to be bound by rules, and you can feel impatient.

USC

  • Birthdate: November 14, 1888 vs. Alliance Athletic Club in Los Angeles, CA (USC campus). 16-0 win

  • Random School Football Record: Longest run from scrimmage: 96 yards, LaVale Woods, 1996 (Oregon State).

  • Horoscope: Feelings of pragmatism and sober thinking will prevail. Instead of having fun, you will prefer to keep to your routine and do your duties. You will have a great self-discipline that allows you to complete your tasks quickly and efficiently. Asking for advice and support of older people will be beneficial to you.

Washington

  • Birthdate: November 28, 1889 vs. Eastern College alumni in Seattle, WA (Jackson Street baseball park). 20-0 loss

  • Random School Football Record: Most INTs thrown in a Career Sonny Sixkiller (1970-72) 51 INTs

  • Horoscope: This time brings emotional stability, a sense of satisfaction and a good mood. Your intuition will be great. You will be very popular, so it's a good time to make new acquaintances and friends. There will not be any problems related to financial and family matters.

Wisconsin

  • Birthdate: November 13, 1889 vs. Calumet Club in Milwaukee, WI. 27-0 loss

  • Random School Football Record: Coldest Game in Program History - Nov. 21, 1964 Minnesota in Madison, Wis. W 14-7 11 degrees at kickoff, WSW 15-20 mph winds (Absolutely love that Wisconsin tracks this, there was a list of 10 other games too!)

  • Horoscope: You may be criticized, or you may receive bad news. Communication with others can be slow or lead to feelings of frustration. Try not to take things too personally and negatively. You should find time to relax.

MAC

Akron

  • Birthdate: November 5, 1891 vs. Kenyon College in Akron, OH. 42-0 loss (as Buchtel College):

  • Random School Football Record: Most Rushing Yards in a Single Game - 295 - James Black (52) at Austin Peay, 11-19-83

  • Horoscope: You will be more sensitive than usual, so, try to be as optimistic as possible. You will seek a sense of security and belonging. Emotional moods and relationships will be very important.

We were not selected as the Offensive Coordinator for a game for Akron. We’re sad.

Ball State

  • Birthdate: October 18, 1924 vs. Indiana State Normal School (now Indiana State University) in Terre Haute, IN. 47-0 loss (as Muncie State Normal School):

  • Random School Football Record: Most Punts in a Single Season Damon Keller, 1992 - 89 Punts

  • Horoscope: Be careful not to be too competitive or aggressive. You will not feel like being tactful, which can cause quarrels and conflicts. Be careful when you deal with your boss, don't push your goals too eagerly. Beware of accidents; be especially careful when you handle sharp objects.

Charlie the Cardinal posing with a toy M16 at halftime of a game in 1981. Yes, it was a toy gun.

Bowling Green

  • Birthdate: October 3, 1919 vs. Toledo University in Bowling Green, OH (Ridge Street grounds). 6-0 loss (as Bowling Green State Normal School):

  • Random School Football Record: Most Extra Point Attempts in a Single Game - 22 Carl Bachman vs. Findlay, 1921 (19 made, also a record) (They won 151-0, also a record)

  • Horoscope: You may experience unexpected events that you are not prepared for. You don't want to be bound by rules, and you can feel impatient.

Buffalo

  • Birthdate: November 24, 1894 vs. Buffalo High School in Buffalo, NY (Olympic Park). 42-0 loss

  • Random School Football Record: Most Rushing Yards in a Single Game - Jaret Patterson 409 yards on 36 attempts vs Kent State (11/28/20)

  • Horoscope: You will feel happy with yourself and overflow with healthy self-esteem. Your desires and emotions will be in complete harmony, and you will use your impulses and passions for achieving positive results.

Central Michigan

  • Birthdate: October 31, 1896 vs. Alma High School in Mount Pleasant, MI. 14-5 loss (as Central Michigan Normal School)

  • Random School Football Record: Most Sacks in a Season - Dan Bazuin, 2005 - 16 Sacks

  • Horoscope: You should focus on personal and home life. Your personal life may be revealed to unrelated people and bring unpleasant feelings. You should think about how happy you are with your family life and focus on relationships. In general, however, you are excited about life and it is a good time to start something new.

Eastern Michigan

  • Birthdate: October 24, 1891 vs. Ann Arbor High School in Ypsilanti, MI. 30-4 loss (as Michigan State Normal School):

  • Random School Football Record: Most Total Offense Yards in a Game - 554 Andy Schmitt 11-28-08 vs. Central Michigan

  • Horoscope: Now is the ideal time for all matters related to communication and expression of your intentions. It is a good time to do things such as signing contracts and handling correspondence. Thanks to your sharp mind, it is also a great time to learn something new.

Kent State

  • Birthdate: October 30, 1920 at Ashland College (now Ashland University) in Ashland, OH. 6-0 loss (as Kent State Normal College):

  • Random School Football Record: Most Tackles in a Season - 233 - Jack Lambert (yeah that Hall of Famer) 1972

  • Horoscope: Watch out for extreme mood swings! There is also an increased likelihood of quarrels and disputes with your loved ones. You may have more difficulty expressing your emotions.

Miami (OH)

  • Birthdate: December 8, 1888 vs. the University of Cincinnati in Oxford, OH (Old Main Lawn). 0-0 tie

  • Random School Football Record: Most Rushing TDs in a Season - 25 by Travis Prentice, 1997 (MAC Record)

  • Horoscope: You will feel the harmony between your body and spirit. Your needs and desires are connected. Take advantage of this favorable aspect and start something new - be it a new relationship or new approach to life. You will be more confident and easily get the attention and support of others.

Ohio

  • Birthdate: November 24, 1894 vs. Marietta College in Athens, Ohio. 8-0 loss

  • Random School Football Record: Most INTs thrown in a Season - 30 - 1985

  • Horoscope: You will feel happy with yourself and overflow with healthy self-esteem. Your desires and emotions will be in complete harmony, and you will use your impulses and passions for achieving positive results.

Sacramento State

  • Birthdate: September 25, 1954 vs. Naval Training Center San Diego in Sacramento, CA (Hughes Stadium). 46-0 loss (as Sacramento State College):

  • Random School Football Record: Fewest Punt Return Yards in a game, -17 at UC Davis 11/7/12

  • Horoscope: It's time to think about your relationships and whether they give you what you need. If you are dissatisfied, it is time for change, especially if you feel that it is mostly you who gives in the relationship. Be careful not to spend too much money on other people. (HMMMMMMMMMMMMM)

Toledo:

  • Birthdate: October 10, 1917 vs. the University of Detroit (now the University of Detroit Mercy) in Detroit, MI (University of Detroit Athletic Field). 145-0 loss

  • Random School Football Record: Most Rushing TDs in a Game - Gib Stick vs. Findlay (1923) - 5 TDs (Tied with 3 others but I just wanted to show you the name GIB STICK)

  • Horoscope: Honest and diligent effort will bring you results. You will be more patient and willing to wait for the fruits of your labor. In your work you will be methodical and strategic, and you will not make even the slightest mistakes.

UMass

  • Birthdate: November 22, 1879 vs. Amherst College in Amherst, MA (Alumni Field). 4-0 win (as Massachusetts Agricultural College): Wait was UMass the Original MAC??

  • Random School Football Record: Most passing yards in a Game: 589, Blake Frohnapfel (Bowling Green, 2014)

  • Horoscope: You may have to deal with problems related to your plans and goals. The sun will uncover any mistakes that you made, and you will have the chance to reconsider your decisions and make changes. Beware of relationships with your superiors and of your big ego.

Western Michigan

  • Birthdate: October 13, 1906 vs. Wayland High School. 21-0 win (as Western State Normal School):

  • Random School Football Record: Most TDs scored in a game - 8, Walt Olsen vs. Grand Rapids Veterinary, 1916

  • Horoscope: You will have a sense of life and there is harmony between your soul and your body. It is now easy for you to cooperate with others and maintain good relationships, mainly because you're more open and honest with others.

I hope you enjoyed them but understand if some of you didn’t like your horoscopes… I am sorry, I consulted the stars and you can chose to believe in the stars or not.

It was fun for me to see horoscopes but through the lens of football terms in my head.

Also, if you’re curious what sign your program is on the astrology calendar, they are likely one of these five:

  • Virgo: August 23 – September 22

  • Libra: September 23 – October 22

  • Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

  • Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

  • Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

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