Sickos Way Too Early Top 30 - March Edition

Our Canadian Correspondent Joey is back again with a March Edition of the Sickos Way Too Early Top 30. As the Commish, I must allow Joey to continue to write these because:

1. He is willing to write silly things for this blog we have, and all I have to pay him is in Nanaimo Bars.

2. He’s covered the MAC Championship game for us, was stopped and searched by US Border Patrol because he said he was going to the MAC Championship game, and that was a suspicious reason. US Border Patrol has no respect for the Battle of the Bricks and MACtion.

3. Also, he’s wrecked his vehicle attempting to cover the Quick Lane bowl on incredibly icy roads, even though I told him if you can't make it safely, don't do it. This is the least I can do to reward this dedication to the Committee.

Okay, Okay, Okay, I know what you’re going to say. I goofed last time. I meant to have a completely computer generated rankings using our patented (In the Tajikistani Patent Office) definition of what makes a “Sickos Team” and I failed, but not to worry, I’ve consulted tech experts on my problem, and after being turned away by all of them, I was able to secure a loan from Masayoshi Son on the promise I use it to “find AI God.” So I have purchased $2 billion dollars worth of Nvidia chips and stapled them into my laptop. Now we will officially have the perfect preseason Sickos rankings made by our AI overlord. It also makes my laptop work as a space heater in the cold winter. Energy Efficiency!

#1 - Iowa - The Hawkeyes reclaim their #1 spot due to in part signing Iose Epenesa, the Polynesian High School Football Player of the Year, and also the brother of a Buffalo Bill (A.J), because it feels like there should be a cultural link between Iowa City and Buffalo, and I admire the Epenesa family for attempting to make that happen. Kirk Ferentz has been head coach of Iowa longer than I have been alive, but with Brian coaching Tight Ends at Fresno State, there is no longer anything resembling a succession plan. Also, Punts.

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#2 - Florida State - Last year’s champs are in a conundrum here. If they’re bad again? Well, it’s not often the same joke is as funny the second time you hear it. If they’re good? They’re the Noles, they’re supposed to be good. If they’re mediocre? Okay, that might be pretty funny. 5-7 with a bowl bid from APR and a trip to the GameAbove Sports Bowl AND along with that negotiated resolution to the lawsuit against the ACC could likely get FSU back to #1. Talkin Bout the Noles!

#3 - Kent State - Ride to Hell Tour 2025

#4 - UMass

(note to editor: embed Return of the Mack music video) (Confused, Commish thinks to himself is UMass’ new head coach Joe Harasymiak’s nickname Mack? Return of the Miak? embeds video as requested)

#5 - Michigan - The Wolverines had a hangover last year and STILL beat the National Champs and also Alabama. Last year’s losses are mostly excusable in hindsight (except for Washington, which is even worse). This is going to be a real turning point season for Sherrone Moore, but not to worry, Wolverine fans; he’s brought in the secret weapon. BIFF POGGI BACK! Wait, why is Biff’s profile picture a blurry photo of him holding an egg https://x.com/BiffPoggi/status/1894193815419867445?

Oh my god, Biff has sleeves on!!!

#6 - Arizona State - The Playoff Committee Considered It, and then Cam Skattebo nearly brought them to the Cotton Bowl. Skattebo is heading into the draft, which means Kenny Dillingham has a tough challenge ahead of him with the sky-high expectations last season got him. Let’s just hope the next time he’s surrounded by a mob of Arizona State students it is in celebration again, even if prematurely.

#7 - Charlotte - Biff Poggi gone, they brought in Ohio lifer Tim Albin, who broke down crying in front of me after winning the MAC Championship with Ohio and declared that he will be a part of Ohio University for life and that this is all he’s wanted. It was announced he took the Charlotte job by the time I got to the Ford Field parking lot. It had to be a strange bus ride home for Coach Albin, but now he’s got a very interesting opportunity to build the 49ers into a team that can compete in the tough AAC.

#8 - Indiana - The Hoosiers are coming off literally the best season in program history, but losing their starting Quarterback to either the NFL or CFL. Curt Cignetti’s team seems primed for a crash down to earth. But what if they do it again? The schedule is very tough this season—no Michigan or Ohio State, but they draw Oregon and Penn State on the road, as well as a game against Illinois. As long as they are not mid, they should factor highly in the rankings.

#9 - UConn - 4 time defending Big East FBS Football Champions are on what might be a program high right now, coming off a 9-4 season and a Fenway Bowl win over North Carolina. Jim Mora’s haunted house seems to be blessing the Huskies rather than cursing them lately. Another thing is that they are the last true independents, with UMass joining the MAC and Notre Dame continuing their special relationship with the ACC.

#10 - Jackson State - “The cupboard was bare.” - T.C Taylor, describing taking the Jackson State job after Deion Sanders left, you may think that means they’ve had a few down seasons. Maybe by Coach Taylor’s standards they have been, but they went 7-4 and then 12-2 with a Celebration Bowl win. This is a team that has maybe the highest expectations in the entire FCS level. OOC games against Hampton, Southern Miss and Tuskegee, and then their SWAC schedule that they expect to be able to clear.

#11 - Big East - The Big East still only has one FBS football playing member (UConn) so I’m guessing that this is more to do with their basketball, of which St. John’s won the regular season title, who hasn’t made the tournament proper 2014-15. Creighton is sitting in 2nd, but they also lost to Georgetown, so it is impossible to know if they are good or not. DePaul fooled somebody, I’m sure, by going 8-0 to start the season against nobody of note. (They are now 13-18 at time of writing.)

#12 - Jet Lag - The Game: The travel-based game show returns for its 13th season; this time the format is “Schengen Showdown,” where you have to travel to, and complete a challenge in as many European Union countries (plus Andorra, Monaco, San Marino and Vatican City) as possible before your opponents can. This season will include retired youtuber Tom Scott. So prepare for a wall of posts that start with “I’m here at…” to hit your timeline in a month or so. Also, they’ve now released a home version of the game featured in Season 12: Hide & Seek Japan, so if you take public transit regularly, get ready for some nerds to be sprinting onto your bus/train and taking questionable routes while saying things like “should we use the tentacles?”

#13 - Haas F1 - The Haasterplan is in an interesting state; Gene seems to be focusing more on the NASCAR program, but they’ve also brought in Toyota Gazoo and may start transitioning to becoming Toyota’s factory team. Whether any of that matters for this year? I dunno. They brought in race winner Esteban Ocon after he wore out his welcome at Alpine, and Ferrari Academy driver Ollie Bearman grabs the second seat while still being Ferrari’s backup driver. Former Hickory, North Carolina Stock Car Track Champion Pietro Fittipaldi waits in the wings should Bearman get the call-up.

#14 - WAC - They’re trying to kill the WAC again. Utah Valley, Cal Baptist, Southern Utah and Utah Valley look to be on the way out. Seattle and Grand Canyon have already left, which would leave just Abilene Christian, Tarleton and Texas-Arlington, who all likely have emergency spots in the ASUN if they need it. It is an interesting time to be a Division I program in the west. Meanwhile, Utah Valley is having a hell of a Men’s basketball season and could be a trendy upset pick in March, and GCU Women’s basketball is 25-2 in their farewell season so far.

#15 - Troy - 2nd year coach Gerad Parker did not get off on an incredibly steady foot last season, as the 2023 11-3 Trojans sunk to 4-8, starting out 0-7 against FBS play. They did finish strong, going 3-1 in their last four games. They start the season with Nicholls, Clemson, Memphis and Pete LemBuffalo, so if there is substantial improvement, they have plenty of chances to show it early.

#16 - CFB Blitz - It’s like Radio Redzone but for FBS football and we have sponsored safeties and weird scores. Nothing more needs to be said.

#17 - Matthew Sluka - Former Holy Cross, and briefly UNLV QB has something or other happen last season involving NIL. It’s still unclear what happened there, but what is clear is that a really good quarterback has found his way to James Madison, where he will compete with Alonza Barrett to lead the Dukes after a “disappointing” 9-4 season. I hope he gets paid what he expected this time.

#18 - Murray State - Did you know that Murray State was originally called the Thoroughbreds, but local newspaper writers thought that was too hard to spell, so they called them the Racers instead until the university caved and officially changed the name? Anyway, the Racers are coming off a 1-11 season and don’t have the easiest schedule in front of them.

#19 - Sacred Heart - “Hey why is Sacred Heart on the list of Conference Champs? Didn’t they go 5-6? Also, I thought they were an Independent?” LALALALALA CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE HAT. YANKEE CONFERENCE CHAMPS!!

#20 - Alex Albon - Alex Albon remains at Williams, and now with the VC goons owning the team and ready to play with their shiny new toys in Franco Colapinto and Carlos Sainz (Not to mention Luke Browning, Alessandro Gusti and Lia Block waiting in the wings), this really seems like a make-or-break season for the Thai-British driver. This is probably his 5th make-or-break season in his 6-year career.

#21 - Lethbridge, Alberta - 48 of the 60 teams in the Canadian Hockey League make the playoffs. From 2009-2015, the Lethbridge Hurricanes did not make the playoffs once. The only team to do that in that span. In 2016, they finally did it and finished 1st place in their division! They then lost in the first round of the playoffs in 5 games. Their arena is called the VisitLethbridge.com Arena. Yes, a .com Arena in the year of our Lord, 2025. For some reason, they hosted a college basketball Multi Team Event (MTE). Not with U of Lethbridge, Lethbridge Poly, any Canadian team, or any team even remotely closeby. No, California-Irvine, Towson, Kennesaw State and Kent State all flew up to Oil Country to play in front of a very confused crowd of Albertans. Lethbridge couldn’t convince a foreign city to be their sister city, so they had to settle for a neighborhood in Montreal. Under “Attractions” on Wikipedia they list: A bootlegging outpost that’s not even in the city, the post office, a Japanese garden (fair, this one looks cool), a bridge, a supervised injection site, and a grain elevator. VisitLethbridge indeed. Also, look at this flag of Lethbridge.

#22 - Michigan MAC Trophy - 2025 Michigan MAC Trophy: They Might All Be Good Edition! WMU finished 6-6 after one point, looking like they were in the driver’s seat for the MAC title game. EMU showed flashes of brilliance when they started 5-2, but they ended up finishing 5-7. EMU adds two portal QBs (Noah Kim from Coastal and Cam Edge from Maryland) that will help them maintain their form. CMU may have finished 4-8, but they did beat WMU last year to ruin their title hopes and force a split in the MMT (WMU ended up retaining anyway). So it should be a fun three-way race between three programs that are, at least theoretically, on the up.

#23 - Ohio State - Congratulations to the Ohio State Buckeyes for winning the National Championship. After the beating Ryan Day has been taking, it was cool to see the pictures of him smiling with the trophy.

THAT’S THE WRONG IMAGE DELETE!!!!

#24 - Elon - The Phoenix should insist on being printed in media guides as the Elon (no relation) Phoenix, just to get ahead of facing the rowdy student sections of Maine and Towson.

#25 - Celtic - The 137-year-old perennial Champions League dark horses were heartbreakingly knocked out on a last second goal by Alphonso Davies against Bayern Munich, while their young rivals, the only 12-year-old Rangers, survive in the Europa League despite being knocked out in the Scottish Cup by lowly Queen’s Park. Not to fear if you’re a Celtic fan, though, they appear to be cruising to a fourth straight Scottish title. Now I sure hope the computer didn’t mean the Boston Celtics because I have nothing for that.

#26 - LSU - Brian Kelly left Notre Dame in 2021 for LSU, and the generally stated claim was that joining LSU would bring him closer to a National Championship. In 2024, the LSU Tigers went 9-4 after winning the Texas Bowl over Baylor. Notre Dame, under Marcus Freeman, went to the National Championship Game. So if you think about it, it’s actually impossible to say who won that breakup. Garret Nussmeier might be one of the best QBs in the country though, it will be fun to see how he develops in 2025. Here is a video of Brian Kelly eating The Rib of Destiny. He may have not made the CFP, but at least he got some ribs.

#27 - Florida - Billy back after what racing fans would call “a great recovery drive.” The Gators should savour (I corrected Joey’s Canadian language before a few times, but I savored leaving this one in) beating the stuffing out of Long Island on August 30th before what looks to be an incredibly frustrating stretch of games against USF, LSU (hey remember them?) and Miami of Florida before their first Bye, then doing the rare Texas Two-Step by facing Texas and Texas A&M in back to back weeks.

#28 - Lincoln (CA) - The fully Independent Lincoln Oaklanders have shown that they can be competitive with even top FCS teams; however, they also have not won a game since beating Bluefield in 2022. There’s also the whole “they have literally never played a home game” thing that is worth following. There was at one point a proposal to have them play in the cavernous Oakland Coliseum that seems to have stalled out. I will give them credit for having senses of humour (left this one in too) when they scheduled their own confusion bowl against Lincoln (MO) last year. Which, yes, they lost 40-14.

#29 - Bemidji State - Bemidji State is one of those teams that is in Division II for everything except Ice Hockey, where they are in Division I. The football team is looking to build off an inspiring run to the D2 Quarterfinals last season. The D1 hockey team will draw Augustana, a team in their first ever full D1 season and second ever season at all, in the first round of the conference playoffs, and Bemidji State was the underdog but they pulled out a 2-1 series win to advance to the semifinals against Minnesota State.

#30 - Gus Johnson - Did you know that Gus Johnson has done UFC?

And Gus Johnson called the 2013 FA Cup Final where Wigan upset Man City only to get relegated to the Championship the next week after Arsenal defeated them 4-1? In doing so, they became the first club ever to have won the FA Cup and be relegated from the highest tier of English football in the same season. But nevertheless is a timeless Gus Johnson call.

Don’t worry Gus Johnson also called the CFL, and the Baltimore Stallions first game in 1994.

He also called some Big 3 - 3×3 Basketball too.

and what Joey calls, competitive pepper spraying (the end of Michigan vs Ohio State). (Joey, you’re really trying to anger Ohio State fans in this post aren’t you - Commish)

Those were some interesting rankings! Now let’s just check under the hood and check the code to make sure it’s all ship shape.

Well that can’t be good……